The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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