I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
my poor anus
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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