I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize