Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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