I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
