i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
