Swine flu. Run for my life!
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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