well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
