he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
