at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
