I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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