6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
