My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
