I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
