So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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