Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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