Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
