My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
