Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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