i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
