TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize