Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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