And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
