your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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