So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just had sex on a roof
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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