While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize