Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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