i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
