your room smells of hookers.
And success
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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