Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
