I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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