My hand turned me down
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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