i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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