I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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