I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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