if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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