just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
