i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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