So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
