im six kinds of drunk right now
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
