Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
