I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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