I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
