Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
