we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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