its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
