i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
