As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
