Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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