I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
