i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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