turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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