Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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