The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
