somebody snuck up and got me drunk
they need to just BURY HIM!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The uberlube is also flammable
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
