super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
