Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
