I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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