At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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