Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
the liver wants what the liver wants
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
